Meet the Parkers

809 miles from Virginia to Kentucky. 809 very long miles. I would need every bit of that to prepare myself for the coming days. I was finally going to meet my father, my sisters, my brother, my grandmother, my family. I thought to myself, What do I say? What do I wear? Don't Cry! So many thoughts, so little time. We arrived at our hotel way early, mainly because my super trucker husband wanted to leave earlier than originally planned, and he drove straight through. I called Jami when we went through Nashville, which is 2 hours from Paducah, KY. She lives 2 hours away from Paducah in Missouri, so she was to meet us at the hotel when we arrived. Thank goodness we were early and she wasn't ready to leave yet. I wanted time to make myself look less like I had been riding in a vehicle for 13 hours. We checked into our hotel and I had an hour to make myself look presentable. I was surprised to find myself less nervous and more excited than anything to finally get to see her! After changing clothes twice, flat ironing the hair, and 100 trips to the mirror, she was in the parking lot! The boys and I rushed down to meet her. When she got out of her yellow VW bug, my first thought was MY SISTER,she is so BEAUTIFUL. My second thought was OH THANK GOD! She had hips! We immediately embraced and so did our kids. Dayton and Jacob said Hi and grabbed there Nintendo DS's and they would be inseparable the remainder of the trip.

Jami and I

We decided to go on over to Butch and Geri's since we had so much of the day left. Jami said they lived about 35 minutes from Paducah, so we followed her. I thought for sure that would be the longest 35 minutes of my life. I just knew I would start hyperventilating before we got there. But strangely I was very calm. Almost too calm. When we arrived at there house, I sat in the truck for a second and remembered the words that a very good friend told me, "Just Breath". And I did. As I walked up with Jami, she hugged me and said "you okay". I replied "Yeeeaaah?" And there he was. Standing in the doorway. Jami went first and hugged him. Then it was my turn. I just knew if he hugged me he would feel my heart beating through my chest. Just breath, Just breath, Just breath. He walked up, this mountain of a man, so tall I thought I may need to take a running jump to reach him, but I didn't. We hugged and it felt as if I had been hugging him everyday for the past 28 years. We went inside and sat down. I noticed that in the corner there was a shelf with all the pictures of the grand kids on it. My babies pictures included. That was a great feeling. He was sitting in his chair. I was staring at him, hoping he wouldn't notice. His eyes got me. They are very small and squinty but they smile. I love that. Carl's eyes smiled too. Of course he was smiling and he looked at me and said "Man, I'm so glad your finally here." I said "Me too". "You look like your mother", he says. I replied "I'll forgive you for that one". I don't care who you are, when your in your 20's you don't want to hear that you look like your 50 year old mother, unless of course your momma is smokin' hot! Mine is a beautiful woman, but for some reason, I hate it when people say that to me! He laughed and said, "You have the same facial structure, but honey your all Parker", "I seen them ears!". Imagine every thing I quote in a Kentucky accent if you really want to appreciate this story!

The rest of the crew slowly began to emerge. Geri, his wife, got back from the store and came in and hugged me. No one has ever made me feel so welcome in there home as she did. She is a firecracker. One of the first things she said to Jami and I was, "Girls, I'm gonna tell ya'll right now, Don't let that man right there fool you. He might put on a halo and try and make ya'll think that he did no wrong with each of your mothers, but he must have done something, if three woman, hate his guts as much as your mothers hate Butch Parker!"  The third woman in the story would be my 27 year old sister, Kyrsten's mom. Kyrsten's story is very similar to mine. He wasn't in her life either for reasons far beyond my right to talk about, and when Kyrstens mom remarried, she was adopted. When Kyrsten was 19 she came to visit them and after staying a few days and making a not so great impression on the family due to her wild and selfish manner, she disappeared, hurting not only our dad, but our sister Samantha very much as well. This made Samantha, and Geri very apprehensive about me. Their fear that I would do the same thing was made very vocal. I promised Geri and Samantha, that I would not have traveled 13 hours just to check someone out and that once you got me you are stuck with me. Samantha arrived with the rest of the kids and they all piled in the house. Samantha walked in first and immediately hugged me and said "I'm so glad your here, Sis". Then Kristy and Michael. Kristy and Michael are Geri's kids from a previous marriage, but were basically raised by Butch. Kristy said "Hi" and ran for the bathroom. Michael, who has Cerebral Palsy, came over and hugged me. And then Ryan came bee boppin' through the door. My first impression of Ryan was, Oh my, he's a thug! But I would later find out that not only does he look just like his big sister, he has a really sweet heart that I don't even think he knows he has. But I did realize why every time I talk to our dad, he asks if he can send Ryan home with me. The rest of the time spent that afternoon was just talking. Geri said to me, "We don't have a lot of anything around here, but what we do have is family and love". "If your looking for more than that, than honey, your in the wrong place." I loved that comment and that will stick with me forever. I got to meet my Grandma Janet. She is a beautiful woman. So beautiful. She comes from a very large family as well. Her mother, Grandma Marvel, had like 10 kids and I probably have that wrong. But it was a lot! Uncle Darryl came and I got to hug him! I was pre-warned about him, he is the drunk of the family. I just thought he was funny, and what was even funnier was watching Geri yell at him! We went back to Paducah and Jami came with us but was to go back later that evening and stay with Sam. My husband had different plans for us. He went and got her a room at our hotel for the next two days so that she wouldn't have to go back and forth from Paducah to Marion, this would allow us and our kiddos to spend as much time as we could. So we invited Samantha and Kristy to come out and stay with us, but they couldn't ,which totally stunk, because I was really looking forward to spending time with them too. We spent that evening talking in her room, while Zach and Sophie played on the air conditioner unit and Dayton and Jacob sat in the bed playing their DS's . It was amazing. I don't think I have ever felt so close to someone that I have just met. From the moment we talked I felt this way, but it was an even bigger bond being with her.And the bigger that bond was growing the harder I knew it was going to be to say goodbye.

     

From left: Zach, Sophie, Dayton and Jacob

The following night Butch was playing in Paducah, so we all stayed in town. We went to downtown Paducah and visited the River Heritage Museum. There isn't much to do in Paducah, even though it is a large city. So we ended up back at the hotel swimming pool, where the kids had a blast. Afterwards, our cousins Jenna and Delanie came out to the hotel to watch the kids, so we could go see Butch play. Sam and her husband DJ met us at the hotel and we followed them to the Eagles where he was playing. I had one image of this man, since I knew of his existence and that was a man  with no face on a stage, so when we walked in and I saw him standing there doing what he loved, maybe it was all the cigarette smoke, but my eyes immediately teared up. Listening to him that night was incredible. He has so much talent. More so than I ever could have imagined.  They told us that everyone there knew my story so don't be surprised if a lot of people wanted to meet me. Everyone was so welcoming. I got to meet Wayne, the man I contacted on facebook, that spilled the beans to Butch about me. I hugged him and said, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you". He said "yeah, you would honey". We talked and he told me as soon as he saw that first message from me, he knew what was going on. Jami and I watched as everyone danced. We didn't get the dancing gene. But Samantha, Kristy and Geri were some dancing fools. God I wish I had that rhythm. Geri talked to Matt and I the entire night. She told us how her and Butch had been together for 25 years and there have been more downs than ups but she stays with him, because in the end, he is her best friend. It was a great night and I was beaming with excitement and joy. We had so much fun.

Butch and Me

Sunday would be the day I would get to meet the majority of the family. All the Aunts and Uncles would be at Butch and Geri's for a cookout. I woke up sad. As excited as I was to meet everyone,I knew this would be the day I would have to say goodbye. The emotions started early that morning while Jami was packing up to check out. Dayton and Jacob asked if Dayton could go back to Missouri with them. Without hesitation I jokingly said "Sure!". But you don't tell a 9 year old that and not expect him to start packing his bags, which is exactly what he did. He packed up his book bag and went straight for Jami's car. I had to take him back to our room and explain to him that it wouldn't be the last time we would see him, that this would be the first of many visits, but the more his tears fell, the bigger the lump in my throat got. When we got to Butch's all the kids screamed for the pool and that's where they would pretty much stay the entire day. Papaw Butch got in with all the kids and gave them pony rides around the pool and caught them as they jumped in. Grandma Janet was busy cookin' at her house while the rest of us sat around watching the kids and telling stories. At one point, I made Geri get out pictures of Ryan when he was little. After seeing a picture of him on the wall, I realized how much he and I really looked alike. She got those and the book I made for them and in comparison, I determined that Ryan would make a much prettier girl! Uncle Daryl came and even got in the pool with the kids. Uncle Jerry, the po-po as they call him, is a police officer in Marion. He is the "pretty boy" of the family they say, but he was very sweet as was everyone else. Tammy and Tanya were down at Grandma Janet's, so we went down to meet them. Tammy had the smiling eyes like Butch and Tanya was just as beautiful. We sat in Grandma's floor and looked at pictures of Butch when he was younger, which I looked forward to seeing. He was a handsome guy, with the same hairstyle back then as he has now. That's the one thing they make the most fun of is his feathered hair-do. We all ate and boy was it good. Grandma Janet made ham and potato salad and a huge spread of great food. I got to try some of her Pig-Lickin' Cake which was delicious and when I asked her why its called pig-lickin' she said because every time she made it the pigs would come a'lickin'! She's so cute! The boys were outside playing horse shoes so Jami and I decided that we would start rounding everyone up for pictures. And there was that lump again. I knew that once pictures were over it would be time to say goodbye. Getting all nine kids together was a mess, but we eventually got a really good picture of them all. Family pictures were easier and I wish I would have gotten more.

Papaw Butch's Grandbabies

Jami and I started gathering up our little ones and started saying goodbye. The first person I said goodbye to was Kristy. I gave her my phone number and told her to call me if she ever gets bored. She said that's all the time so she would. I know she probably won't, but I wanted her to know that I am here for her if she ever needs me. The entire time I was there, she kept telling me what an outcast she was in the family, that she is the "wild child" of the bunch. What I saw was a very sweet girl who has the best personality. She made my dimples hurt I laughed so much with her. I gave each of the little ones a hug and told them they could come see Aunt Marti anytime they wanted. Then I found Samantha. Sam was the most affectionate of all. She would walk up and hug me just because and say how much she was glad I was there and that she loved me. I felt a connection with Samantha on so many levels. Her husband DJ is very much like my Matt. Well, I guess much like most husbands, they can be giant butt heads one minute and the most adorable person the next. I really liked him even though, I didn't think I wanted to. I felt this overwhelming need to protect her. My sisterly instinct just kicked in with all these girls. I am very grateful for the life I've had in Virginia, but I felt like I missed out on so much with them. I never got the chance to protect them from bullies, but you can bet I'll be there from now on. I knew the hardest goodbye would be Jami, so I saved her for last. As soon as I hugged Samantha I immediately started blubbering. I didn't want to because I knew my make up would run and then they would really see how much Ryan and I looked alike, but I couldn't help it. Ryan hugged me and said "I WILL be coming to the beach"! Geri and everyone crowded around me, telling me not to cry because it wouldn't be the last time. I know that, but I was just so happy and sad to say goodbye.Uncle Jerry gave us the invitation to stay with him rather than a hotel next time. When Butch came over to say goodbye, I was overcome with tears. He hugged me and with my head in his chest I heard him say, "don't cry". But that just made it worse. I never imagined this day would come and it was here. And it would be the first of many goodbyes. So hopefully this would be the most emotional, or next time I'll have to bring a suitcase of tissues. As soon as Jami and I met eyes and then looked at both our boys crying in the car, we bawled. I'm so grateful for her. I'm grateful for each and everyone of them. But had Jami not responded to that email, we wouldn't be there. We hugged and said our goodbyes. And that was it, we blew the horn when we left and I haven't stopped crying since. I am so thankful for this experience and can't wait for the next visit, only they need to bring there hillbilly butts to VA, because that is a very long drive! Ha ha.

From left: Uncle Jerry, Aunt Tanya, Butch, Grandma Janet,
Aunt Tammy and Uncle Darryl

On the ride home, I thought about how truly blessed I am. I have been welcomed and loved by three families. 28 years ago, the Vanover family brought me into there home and into their hearts and made me there child, made me a granddaughter, a niece, a Vanover. 18 years later, I became a Combs. I couldn't have asked for a better family to marry into. My husband, my boys and myself are so lucky to have the support and love of his amazing family. And now I'm a Parker. In the short 3 days that I spent with them I learned so much. You don't have to have "things" when you have the love of a family. You don't have to know someone for more than a few days to know you love them.And, Love is an instinct, its not something that you must learn to do its something you have in you, and in an instant it can overcome all things.

From Left: Samantha, Jami, Grandma Janet, Me and Kristy

From left: Me, Ryan, Samantha and Jami

My super long but totally amazing story

Welcome to my blog! Have you ever had one of those ridiculously super long stories to tell that is so amazing that you can't miss any details in the story? Well I do,and after telling the story so many times to family and friends I began to think how much easier it would be to just blog about it! So here it is....


For the past 10 years my New Years resolution has been the same thing.,to find my biological father. It was right on the list with the normal: Lose weight, get organized,ect. And just like those, each year I set myself up for dissapointment by never being able to achieve my goal. I would spend countless hours on the internet searching names and addresses, but with the limited information I had, it became tiring and I eventually would give up. I never thought that 2010 would be the last year I would make this resolution.


When I was two years old I was adopted by my step-father Carl. I didnt know this until I was about 11 years old. I was going through some old photo albums and I found a social security card with my name and the last name Wilson.  I knew that my older sister Courtney had a different last name before my Dad had adopted her and at the time all I could think of was could he have adopted me as well? I kept quiet about it, until one night when I overheard Courtney talking to her husband. I heard her say that our Dad had adopted the two of us in 1984 and to her surprise I spoke up and said "I knew it"! She said that she had always promised if I ever asked her for the truth that she would give it to me. She told me my fathers name and that when our mother was pregnant with me, they moved back to Virginia from Florida. My father went to Chicago, IL to look for work and was to send money back to my mom for her  and Courtney to come to Chicago, but he never returned. She said that our mom wasn't devastated but seemed happy about the outcome and when I was six weeks old she met the man, that I would call Dad.


It wasn't until I was 13 that I brought up the question to my mother. She of course told me that my sister was a liar, but I knew the truth. At this point my parents had been separated for years. They both had new companions and I only got to see my dad every so often. He moved around between Tennessee and Virginia. My mom finally decided that she would file for child support when I was 15. My dad had always struggled with alcoholism, but this would outrage him and his drinking got worse. After a custody dispute and child support hearing he would have to pay but he got to see us every other weekend. Angrily, one night he said to me, "I don't know why I have to pay for you anyway, your not even mine, your mom sent your father away when she was pregnant with you". I was hurt, but to hear the words come from him gave me the confirmation that I much needed.He later apologized whole heartedly and said that he wanted to find my real father so that I would have medical history if god forbid I ever needed it. He said he paid US search 300$ but with only a name they were unable to find him. When I confronted my mother about what my dad had confirmed, she gave me her version of the truth. She said that my father was a musician that she met in Florida. He was a good man, polite, clean cut, he went to church, and he was very talented. She said they dated for a few months and one day they drove out to Missouri. There she would find out that he had a wife that was expecting there first child. This excited me, so I exclaimed, "You're telling me that I have a brother or sister around the same age as me?" and she said "Yep"!  She stated that he had separated from his wife while she was pregnant and moved to Florida. A few months later my mom was pregnant with me and they decided to come to Virginia where all my mothers family lived, so he could look for work. When they got to Virginia he was offered many jobs but was just lazy and all he wanted to do was play music. He told her he would go to Chicago where he had family and look for a job, and when he got one he would send her and my sister money to buy a plane ticket to fly out. She said he was gone for months and she never heard from him. I was born at the end of May in 1982 and she moved on. I told her about the social security card that I had found because oddly the last name on the card didn't match the name of the person that everyone had told me about. She said that Wilson was the last name of the man that she was with before she met my father. She gave me his last name so that we would not be found. Of course I had the question, could this Wilson person be my real father? But she says he had a vasectomy in 1980, so not possible.And so the story goes on. She met my Dad when I was six weeks old and from that point on he would be my father and I was to know no different. They married and he adopted my sister and I,  and they had two boys after that. She made me promise that I would never forget who my REAL dad was and I never will. Sadly, he passed away  in 1999 two days before my 17th birthday.


After moving out of my mothers house, I began searching for my biological father out of curiosity mostly. But life kept me busy. I got married in 2001 and we have two beautiful little boys that are 9 and 4. The thought was always there and it was the same resolution every year. Then in 2007, my oldest son who was 6 at the time fell very ill. He went into septic shock after having a very bad case of strep throat. That story is a whole other blog entry. After being hospitalized a very sick little boy, the doctors needed a full medical history on each parent. I explained to them that I knew my mothers side but I had no information on my fathers side. This would give me the determination I needed to really do an extensive search for my biological father.


From the little information my mom did give me, I knew his father lived in Cape Coral, Florida and began sending letters explaining my search. But never any response. In November 2008, I found a site for Marion, KY that showed all the public records for personal property taxes in Marion. His name was on the list. I wasn't 100% sure it was him, but I also saw a website called Topix which is a public forum for any town in the US. So I left a comment on the forum saying I was looking for him and that he showed up on my family tree, and I would like to get more information on him and his family. I left my email address and asked if anyone with any information would please email me. I never received any email. At this point, I again had given up. Little things would remind me to look and I would google his name from time to time, but still nothing.It was as if I were looking for an invisible man.  In April of this year,after my grandmothers passing, I was going through some drawers in her house and I found letters and a picture. The picture of my mom and a man embracing. I asked her who it was and she just kind of smirked and said its Butch. I was amazed, after all I had never seen a picture of what he looked like. The only description I had of him was he was extremely tall and you could tell by the way he was bending down in the picture to kiss my mother just how tall he really had to be. I mischievously snuck the picture and the letters in my bag and as soon as I got home sprawled them out on the kitchen table. Nothing in the letters revealed anything that I hadn't already known. But it did get me back on google. And what I would find would change my life FOREVER!


When I googled his name I found two things, a facebook page for what would be his band, and a response to my Topix post from November 2009, exactly a year from my original post. The comment said "That's actually my dad, good luck finding him, but if you want information on me and my kids let me know." I had never been so excited! I immediately responded with my email address asking the person to please email me. I responded not once but three times! I noticed that the response came from someone in Missouri and at that moment I knew that the person on the other side of the forum was my brother or sister that was around the same age. I waited a few days, and in the mean time sent a message through facebook asking if the lead singer had lived in Florida in the early 80's and if he had ever written a song titled "little girl". Little Girl was a song that my mom had saved from when they were dating but gave the music and lyrics to my Aunt who was also a musician. She told me about this later on, so I knew that if he said yes that he wrote that song, I had the right musician. I got no response on facebook, but finally an email. She stated that she hadn't seen or heard from him since she was 11 but had recently found him in December 2009 in Kentucky. My sisters name was Jami! I was beyond words with emotion. She then asked me why I was looking for him. So I had to tell her the truth. I said he wasn't so much on my family tree, but on my birth certificate! I told her he was my biological father and the story of what I had been told. I explained that I wasn't looking to disrupt any ones life and that I mainly was looking to find him for medical history. She didn't seem surprised at all. In fact, she was very welcoming to the fact that I was her sister. She told me that we had another sister that lived in Florida and a sister and brother that lived with him in Kentucky along with the rest of his family. I told her I was on facebook and we immediately logged on and found each other. We spoke on the phone the next day and I felt as if I had known her for 27 years. It was the most amazing feeling. She emailed me pictures of her and him when she was a baby and a recent photo of him and his siblings. My first thought was what kind eyes he had. My second was, I have his ears, as do all the rest of his kids come to find out.

We decided together that it would be best to hold off on telling our dad. After all, we didn't know if he knew about me and I knew he was remarried and didn't want to start any trouble. We decided that she would get him alone and tell him. But, I forgot about the facebook message I sent to the band. After talking for 2 weeks almost daily with Jami either by phone or on the Internet, I received a reply from the drummer in the band. He said, " I know he played in Florida back then, and he did write songs, and one of them may have been little girl".  He then asked how I knew him.  I replied that he and my mom dated back then and she had kept the song, and I just thought it would be neat if the man who wrote it, was still writing. He then asked what my  moms name was. I immediately called Jami. We both agreed that if I told him the name, our dad would know who I was. I mean it was too obvious, 27 year old girl asks about a man her mom dated 27 years ago? I told him her name, and attached the picture I had found.Then came the questions, "How old are you", "Can you send me a picture of yourself?" Jami and I were laughing our butts off. We wished we could have seen his face right about then. Little did we know, he had already contacted his sister Tanya who was on facebook in a matter of minutes! She told him to call Jami, because she was friends with me on facebook! He then called Jami and of course wanted answers, so she gave him the full story! She said he was shocked but excited and wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, I was scheduled to work that afternoon but I told her to tell him I would call him the next day.

The following day, I have never been so nervous in my life. EVER! I kept picking up the phone looking at it scared to death. My nerves finally got the best of me and I called Jami and asked her to call him for me and tell him to call me. I just couldn't bring myself to dial those numbers. He agreed and within a half an hour the phone rang .I picked it up,as my heart pounded so loudly I swear you could have heard it if you were standing next to me. I heard his deep but nice voice on the other end say "Marti, Hi! This is your dad, or Butch? I said "No, Butch will be fine, for now." He understood and said that a Dad is someone who was there for you always and he didn't get that chance. We talked for 2 hours. He of course had a completely different story to tell from my mothers. He said that when he left for Chicago, it took him a few weeks to find work, but he finally did and when he called back to tell her he was sending her money to fly out, she was gone. No one knew where she had gone. Not my Uncle or my grandparents knew where she was, and they assumed she had gone back to Florida. He says he tried to contact her friends in Florida and a woman there stated that she had miscarried. He said he was heartbroken. But he always felt that I was out there. I told him that I didnt know who was telling the truth, but wasnt concerned with that now. I was happy with the outcome. Had the decisions that were made not been made, I wouldnt have had my Dad, or his family. I wouldnt have my two younger brothers,or have met my future husband. And without him, I wouldnt have my babies. Now was all about the future and he agreed. At the end of the conversation, I had just started getting comfortable and he said " I just want you to know, I have always loved you, even if it was just the idea of you". These to me were the most heart wrenching of words. I wanted to cry so bad. We hung up the phone and I lost it. The moment that I had waited for so long, had come and I knew I would remember the way I felt at that moment, for the rest of my life.

Four months have passed, and I continue to speak to Jami almost daily. We are so much alike and our boys are too. Her 11 year old and my 9 year old began talking on facebook as well, and have become the best of friends. I have only talked to Butch a handful of times but each time feels more comforting and real.I made him a scrabook of me from when I was a baby to now for Fathers day that he enjoyed very much. I haven't brought myself to call him Dad. I promised my mom I wouldnt ever call him Dad. Besides, I had one of those, wouldnt it be wrong to give that title away? Thats not to say that I don't want to. It seems so easy to say "my dad" but theres always that voice in the back of my mind, knowing that he is watching from above and wondering if he is upset with me for wanting to have this man in my life. I pray he knows he will never be replaced. I am hoping this discomfort will ease, because, this coming weekend my husband, myself and my boys are going to Kentucky to meet my new family for the first time. There are so many emotions but I am almost certain that meeting my father, meeting my new family, I will finally feel complete.